10 posts tagged “college”

"A sometimes brutally masochistic endeavour that makes you happy that it's over."

How it made me feel:  Ambivalent

How I did it: Work.  Lots of work.  Since I was working full time while going to grad school full time (and sometimes more than full time), I now don't know what to do with myself. 

Lessons & tips: Don't quit.  Anyone can survive anything (like this) for 2 years (or more, whatever - it's temporary).

You might feel a little lost when it's over, and that's normal. 

Make sure to be in contact with professors and classmates.  Puttig together a roster with contact info of everyone in my cohort would have been a great idea 2 yrs ago, but I only thought of it a few hours ago. 

Resources: i-am-bored.com for procrastination attempts.
Borders Cafe for a place to study and steady internet connection.
Support network of at least friends, then family.

(originally posted 4/27/09)

After sitting through a 2 hour ceremony and not even having my last final grade for my internship (which I know I passed... no worries there), I'm done.  I had a brief moment of insanity looking at all of the people receiving doctorates, but now that I'm not looking at them anymore, I'm okay.  I have a masters.  That's more than enough for now. 

I'm done with school. 

I'm so glad I signed up for the 3-Day because otherwise, I'd be lost.  I needed another goal to work toward or I would go crazy.  Wish me luck!

I am researching a paper that I have put off for a while and is due this week....my VERY LAST PAPER, by the way, before I graduate with my MAT in English Ed in 2 weeks!  But as I do the research, I feel guilty.  I don't know if it is because it is the end of the school year and I am stressing about things that I have yet to get to with my own students (and may not get to at all), but I feel that with the curriculum I was given and forced to administer has cheated my kids, and I allowed it to happen.

One of the tenants that Dr. Kaywell made very clear (and she is the profesor I have had that I look up to the most) is never to let THEM make you do something that is educationally unsound, whoever "THEM" is.  I feel torn about my feelings because upon first glance, the SpringBoard program looks good, but once you actually get down to it with the kids, it lacks so much of what they need!  It doesn't have much in the way of novels or reading, and it certainly offers almost nothing in the realm of writing.  What it does offer is movies and games....but do I want my kids to be entertained or learning something valuable?  I don't know.  This was year one....experimentation year.  But I still feel guilty that I wasn't able to do better in making sure they got what they needed to survive outside of the school walls and not just to pass the damn FCAT. 

Have you ever had one of those days where you were just too tired and run down to make yourself do anything?  I should be ramped up, watching the pre-Superbowl show, talking about how much fun I had at Flannigan's and the NFL Experience at Ray James Stadium yesterday (where my camera battery died the minute we walked through the gates).  I should be running, or working on my paper for class tomorrow, or grading papers for my students, or even cleaning and doing laundry, but instead, I am still in bed trying to fight whatever bug decided to rear its ugly head yesterday afternoon.  Last week was really stressful with 3 observations I could be recountng and 12-hour days all around because I'm working on the school's musical and helped judge the talent show on Thursday night...that was a 15-hour day at the school. 

I'm just tired.  One thing at a time, right?  A walk, I think, instead of running.  Then paper for class.  That's all I'm going to worry about right now.  Tomorrow, hopefully, I'll have killed this bug (here's to Airborne and lots of water!). 

My favourite part in all of Stephenie Meyer's Twilight series is in Breaking Dawn where Bella challeneges Emmett to an arm-wrestling match, wagering Emmett's comments on her sex life (they stop if Bella wins).  She does, of course, and she has a little fun testing out her new-found powers.  When the sun comes out, and she sees Edward, he sees her, and Nessie is marvelling at their glittering skin, Bella says:

After eighteen years of mediocrity, I was pretty used to being average.  I realized now that I'd long ago given up any aspirations of shining at anything.  I just did the best with what I had, never quite fitting into my world.

So this was really different.  I was amazing now - to them and to myself.  It was lke I had been born to be a vampire.  The idea made me want to laugh, but it also made me want to sing.  I had found my true place in the world, the place I fit, the place I shined.  p. 524

To me, it is that perfect moment of self-realization when you look up, and everything has fallen into place.  I must make a note here that the feelng is always fleeting (even in Bella's story), but permanent in a different way.  I want to feel like that so badly...that I fit somewhere.  Is it just letting it happen, or do you have to do something?  Is it faith in the universe or faith in yourself?  I don't know.  Maybe you can make it happen. 

All I know is that I am sick of being unhappy, and I am sick of waiting.  My last semester of graduate school is upon me, I am planning my move somewhere toward colder climes, and I finally feel as if I am no longer stagnate.  It's a little exhilerating, because I feel like i am working toward the moment where I can feel shiny, too. 

In my communication class (haha) I had this issue with another student because I opened my mouth.  Because of more "pollyanna" crap, I was thinking - and said out loud - "You can tell he's never taught."  The guy blew up and started whipping his finger around, pointing at me and around the classroom, getting really kind of angry.  Now, I can understand being angry, because if someone had said what I said and directed it at me, I would have been pissed off, too.  But the way he reacted made me not feel like apologizing and kind of made me laugh. 

But today, I got an email from another classmate pretty much telling me how negative I am and my negative comments aren't welcome and how the guy should have been able to talk.  In my mind he did, but whatever.  But then she led it into this diatribe about how bad of a teacher I am because I don't allow others to speak their opinions if they're different from mine, and how I must be smacking my students down in my classroom.  Oh, and how I am so negative.

I had to reply.  First off...she was right about my classmate, and he deserved an apology that I said it.  I am not sorry that I thought it and I don't retract that, but I am sorry that the thought slipped past my lips.  So I emailed him a brief apology note.  But her...man, I don't know what it is about people who think that I am their own teenager and they can speak to me the way this woman did.  I told her thanks for making me see I needed to submit an apology, but that her letter was effectively "the pot calling the kettle 'black'", and that she only knows me as a classmate, not a teacher. 

What is it about negativity that bothers people so much?  Are they so unsure of themselves that they can't feel bad for a moment?  Thinking positively only allows you to feel better.  And I'm all for that - I've even generally a positive person (just not when I'm at USF - I hate that place!) - but what people call "negativity" I see as realism.  Unless you can see the problems and talk about them, how are you going to fix them in any sort of feasible manner?  You can't say, "Well, isn't it the teachers' job to get the kids to do their homework?"  (which is essentially what the guy was saying in class) and expect to come up with a workable solution.  It's not a realistic question - it's a positive question.  So it sounds really good, but it has very little to do with the ACTUAL situation. 

These people drive me insane.   And who does that bitch think she is?

I am in the one place that I find it hard to be positive: my Middle School Methods class.  I find it so hard to sit here with students who still have stars in their eyes about this profession.  I understand the need for it, because if there weren't stars in their eyes at the beginning, no one would do it.  My first year was so bad, and this year is so different (in a better way), that I don't even remember my first thoughts...did I have those stars in my eyes, too?

I have one particular student in this class who is such a Pollyanna that I want to puke some days.  But at the same time, I understand the need for those types of viewpoints.

No answer yet about my appeal for an exception to be able to take that class while I do my internship, but I am hoping for the best.  It just seems so ridiculous to not help me out over 2 subjective points in the course of an entire class.  Pray for me, but I am out of panic-mode.

I have this dilemma, and while I was so upset last night about it that I couldn't see straight, I think that I'm getting over the initial shock and anger.  It will take a while to get over the resentment, but I will try. 

I got a C- in this grad course for my Masters' degree over the summer.  It was the most poorly run course I have ever had the misfortune to take, and I honestly cannot believe that this woman, who obviously hasn't seen the inside a classroom in 30 years, is a professor in education.  I didn't pursue the C- because I said to myself, "You passed, you have over a 3.0 GPA, and you're leaving soon.  Don't worry about it."

But I got this e-mail on Monday saying that I can't do my internship and therefore cannot graduate with that C-.  I must pass all education courses with a C.  If this could be taken care of over the summer, no big.  But I can only do internships fall and spring (since school is only in session at those times) - which means I have to put off moving another year.  I don't know if I'm really prepared to do that!

I have tried e-mailing this prof to at least speak with me about it, but she is so condescending!  "Maybe you understand how you take your responsibilities more seriously as a student and a teacher."  "Sure I'll speak with you.  I don't know what your rationale will be, but I'll listen."  As if she knows anything about my responsibilities or life!  I want to pursue it as far as I can, but I have to take another class with her this spring (shudders) and I know that my begging her to change my grade would affect the other class's grade.  I absolutely loathe this woman, and to make me stay an extra year in this place that I absolutely loathe, in a school I loathe, and a college that I loathe because of 2 MEASLY POINTS IN ONE CLASS, well.  *sight*  I don't have the energy to maintain hate for very long, but she is not on my list of favourite people right now. 

I am sitting in my Middle School Methods class which has turned into one of the biggest SNAFUs I have ever encountered.  Four rooms, and two sections later, here I am with 50 other students, half grads and half undergrads.  We were talking about how to divide up (or whether to divide up) and one grad student stated he would rather be with other grad students, and one undergrad just flew off the handle.  Oh. My. God.  She said she felt that there was some "animosity" between the two sections.  We finally decided to split according to levels when we meet again, but in discussion right now I can tell just by what they say who is an undergrad and who is a graduate student. 

The "like"s and "totally"s aside, undergrads just stick to the surface!  Am I being to critical if I say I don't want to be a mixed level course?  I mean, it might be good for them, but what about us?  Oh well.  I'm a snobby bitch.  Deal.

Someone hung up an email with a bunch of "Successories" rip-off posters in the English teachers' restroom.  One of them said "Procrastination is a lot like masturbation...it's great in the beginning, but then you realise you just f**ked yourself."

Never have words been truer.  I've got 100 more pages to read and endless writing before Thursday.  Damn it.  If I'd realised it was so much reading, I would have ... no.  I wouldn't have.  But I would have been a little more prepared for the panic I'm feeling :-)

I thought I had mastered the art of procrastination.  Guess I need to brush up on my skills.  Stupid ESOL class.